After the initial catastrophe, it was a time of self-doubt and it was all consuming.
I had failed in the most important job of my life. May be my neighbour with 24 hour watch policy was better in bringing up her children. Perhaps, my love for freedom and the freedom I had given him, to choose his own course was not right or may be everything that I had been doing over the years was wrong.
I had absolutely no clue of how this can happen to my child and us. After all, we came from a middle class value driven family. This was ‘abnormal’ and such things don’t happen to ‘normal’ families?! It wasn’t about just him but all of us.
Clearly, lecturing him wasn’t working and if anything it was only adding reclusiveness in him from us and from the world outside. It seemed to me at one point that I do not really know this person whom I call my son.
We were being summoned by his class teacher and sports instructor for his absenteeism in school and the marked changes in his behaviour including disinterest in his most loved activities.
Even though we knew the problem, we were not able to face it. Yes, we lived in denial – at least to the outside world. The cocooning mother in me did not want to reveal this side of my son who had come to the other – bad side of the books. We cooked up all sorts of stories – tragedy in the family, we as parents not being able to give him enough time, normal teenage syndromes and that we will ensure he puts efforts, etcetera.
Meanwhile, I was losing confidence, self-esteem and whatever worth I was. The worst part was in this moment of our joint problem, I wasn’t able to disclose my feelings with my husband in as many words. I knew he was going through the same turmoil of self-doubt, if not worse. You can share your moments of lows – whether career or personal with your friends and family. However, when it comes to your child you dread speaking to your own parents, spouse and sometimes to even yourself.
This blog is second in a series, published by Reboot Wellness, about the journey of recovery of a young drug addict student, in the words of his mother. The recovery journey is not just of the boy, but also his mother. Names have been changed to maintain privacy and confidentiality.
Author: Vibhuti Chhibber