Priya’s Battle With Addiction Blog Series : Part 4 of 12
Posted by Reboot
Growing up in a strict religious family, I had developed a concept of God at an early age. To us, God was what our religious texts spoke of. He was strong and powerful, walked the earth many years ago and did no wrong. God also punished all the wrongdoers in harsh and cruel ways. The so called ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ were a prime feature of our religious texts- we HAD to obey. Among the usual chaos my life was, one day I realized that ‘God’ had decided to punish me and my family and deprived us of a happy life- alcoholism had struck my surroundings when I was just a child. We suffered and struggled the wrongs of another and God didn’t help – it was our fate I was told, but I didn’t believe it. Many nights I’d cry into my pillow and tell myself that when I grew up I was going to take charge of my life and write my own fate. There was no space for this ‘God’ in our lives – I would make it without him. I hated God! He didn’t see the earnest intentions of the alcoholic in my house and let him rot in his deep dark disease. We suffered alongside for years.
At age 17 I found alcohol. At once alcohol made me feel powerful and confident. The pain collected over years swept away and I was going to start afresh. Alcohol brought back lost hope and made me feel invincible. I believed that anything I wanted in life would fall into my lap and I was entitled to a great life after many years of suffering. With alcohol by my side, I write my own religion, my own concept of right and wrong, good and bad- as long as I wasn’t harming another for my own pleasures, it was fine. Soon I was God in my own life and I was powerful enough to be God in the lives of others. My judgment was critical, my opinion was important and I had solutions to everyone’s problems- I could make everyone happy- in return people would have to simply do as I bid.
A few short and successful years later I had finally hit rock bottom. I reached a point of complete despair. Alcohol had stopped working in my life. In my journey of playing God, I had lost so much- friends, family and myself. I was now sick and tired of being sick and tired. The pain was back, and worse this time there was no ray of hope and no end to my dark tunnel. I was constantly surrounded with fear, anger, greed and lust. Dishonesty was catching up and I had no stamina left to run. I was on my knees and I needed help.
As soon as I began to accept myself as an alcoholic, hope returned to my being. The biggest gift of the program was the idea that I could choose a God of my own understanding- religion had nothing to do with it. The 12 steps was my new way of life and religion was a separate matter. In recovery I was shown that left to my own devices, my life was a huge mess. I needed a power greater than myself to get me out of the chaos I had created. I needed God, not only to save me from the mess but to keep me walking on the sober path of life. I needed a God to look up to, a God I could emulate, a God I would trust and in whom I would have faith. In no time, my God became this very Group Of Drunks. They had conquered the same darkness that I was sinking in. They had made it through and exuded an amazing light of serenity that I had always dreamed of. They said they would help me, they would share all they had learned and all that they had known. All I had to do was listen and follow with an open mind.
About a year from that very day, I finally saw light. My life was coming back together and I was starting to feel the joy of living. This group of drunks, gave my new found life much needed Good Orderly Direction and when it came to the ‘God concept’ I realized I needed nothing more! A little over five years sober now, my concept of God has evolved with time. I’m not one for religion but I now have an open mind to what it stands for. I have come to believe through the very change in my life that my God is a loving and kind higher power and wants nothing more than what’s best for me- I only have to trust. Every morning I wake up to a new day ready to trust my personal God and every night I thank Him for being with me through the day. A wise old-timer once said, “In all my life I realized God is not the one who left my side, but it was me who left Him behind”. I hold on to these words and try and keep up with my God one day at a time.
” Find out what happens next as Priya shares how a true understanding of her character assets and liabilities helped in learning to accept and love herself for who she was”
Priya is an Addict and an Alcoholic who came into recovery at the young age of 23. She continues to work a 12 step program closely with a sponsor and has been sober for 5 years since 2011. Priya lives in New Delhi-India and has a joyous and fulfilling personal and professional life. In her free time, Priya enjoys reading, listening to music, bake and watching movies. She strongly believes that for her to keep what she has learned in recovery, she must share her experience, strength and hope with other recovering Addicts and Alcoholics.